


This I Promise You

by TerresDeBrume



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, i think, it's tiny but just in case proceed with caution, spoiler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-14
Updated: 2012-05-14
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerresDeBrume/pseuds/TerresDeBrume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thought it wouldn't influence him anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This I Promise You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt on Tumblr asking that I relate Tom's experience with mugging to the line 'I will not be bullied by you.'

The first time they rehearse the scene, his voice cracks on the end of the sentence.

 

It takes him by surprise, he has to admit. He didn’t expect the rush of anger and fear and shame, did not expect the press of tears on his throat or the sudden clench of his fists. He thought he’d gotten rid of that, to be honest. Thought he was past that. But the thing is, Loki is not.

Loki is not past that moment where you’re confronted with your bully and you can only be angry or collapse, and so anger has to win. Loki is smack in the middle of what Tom himself was living when those two guys thought it was acceptable to point a knife at his throat and demand his wallet  _or I’ll gut you_.

 

And Tom, he’s been in Loki’s skin for too long already, you see.

He’s not method, he doesn’t stay in character all the time –he doesn’t like to think about what would happen if he stayed in Loki’s head all the time, because Heath Ledger tried that, and look where it got him!- but he still spends a lot of time as Loki. Enough so that he doesn’t have that much work to do before he can slip into the persona, now. Enough so that sometimes Loki bleeds out and Tom finds himself taken several years back, before he started feeling more confident, before he got enough recognition as an actor to build up his self-esteem… because to be honest, about a quarter –sometimes half- of it is still based on what people think of his work.

He doesn’t try to be like that, it’s just the way he feels, at least most of the times.

 

And the thing is, he would be able to handle it, if he didn’t see so much of himself in Loki, so much of who he was and what he felt and who he could have turned into… and so when Loki is faced with the Hulk, it takes Tom a moment to remember that this isn’t him. That the man he is playing has enormous power and has already gone through the process of taking the mess of fear and despair and perceived weakness, and to shove it down into the metaphorical shredder to make it into anger, all-consuming and oh-so-efficient as a lifeline.

He knows the feeling, too: anger was the only thing preventing him from falling into a ball and not getting up for the first few days/weeks after the mugging.

(Only he had friends to tell him when anger stopped being enough, when to let go. Loki didn’t have that.)

 

So when he rehearses the line for the first time, his voice cracks, and he tells Mark that he’s fine, just a tad too invested in the movie, and tired and thirsty. He doesn’t really want to go into that kind of conversation just yet, anyway. And if, when they do the dialog again and Tom is, perhaps, too intense in his interpretation of the line, too angry and not composed enough, well. He supposes he’ll have to blame the memory he uses for this specific line.

 

Because in his mind, there is no more Mark, no more Hulk, no more costume or movie. In his mind, he sees all those who could ever want him harm –critics, muggers, random morons, people who disapprove of his life choices, of who he is, of what he does- and he tells them:

 

“I will not be  _bullied_  by you!”

 

Mark doesn’t know it, but to Tom it is more than a statement.

It’s a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Can't/won't comment on AO3? Leave your feedback [here](http://fanfanwrites.tumblr.com/ask). :D


End file.
